About

“You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can’t fool mom.” – Murphy

It is difficult to generalize about the feelings or experiences of all birth parents. Each has faced a unique experience and coped in his or her own way. A number of birth parents have written personal accounts of their experiences in placing their children for adoption; there are also a few research studies of the experiences of birth parents and the emotions that often linger long after the adoption. Certain themes emerge in both types of literature, including themes of loss, guilt, and resolution. As a framework for this discussion, this factsheet explores the experiences of birth parents by exploring some of these themes:

The Responses to Adoption Placement section looks at feelings and experiences that birth parents often describe, including grief over the loss, shame and guilt, identity issues, and long-term emotional issues.
The Gaining Control and Resolution section explores ways of gaining control of these feelings that have been useful for some birth parents.
The Resources section includes a list of resources to help birth parents find further information and to locate support groups of individuals with similar experiences.

Table of Contents

1 – Responses to Adoption Placement

2 – Gaining Control and Resolution

3 – Resources

A Birthparents Manifesto

A Birthparent’s Role

A Birthparents Manifesto

* We recognize that the unique biological connection we have with our child creates a responsibility to them. We realize that we are important in the life of our child. That even though we are not parenting, our role as birthparents is significant. We understand that as our children’s birthparents there are going to be questions only we can answer and that our love and concern can never be replaced by another.

* We recognize the importance of nurturing the relationships we have with both our child and his whole adoptive family. In doing this, we honor his connections and realize that the relationships we have with his family members ultimately will effect him.

* We recognize adoption as a life long process, and that each age and stage our child goes through brings with it it’s own unique set of needs, desires and questions. We are open to what that may mean to us.

* We recognize our ongoing involvement with our child is a commitment.

* We accept our child as an individual. We delight in who he is and who he will become.

You will notice that I specifically left out the words arrangement and situation, comfort and privilege. Instead I used words like commitment and responsibility, honor and relationships. These are the major distinctions between child-centered open adoption and open adoption that is based on the needs and desires of birthparents and adoptive parents. All of us need to be aware that words we use effect our principles, and ultimately, our actions. If birthparents believe that open adoption is in the best interest of the child, if we are aware of our responsibilities, if we see the contact we have with our child and their parents as a relationship, then we will be honest with the adoptive parents if our grief is too much, we will be there for our child, even if the answers do not come easily.

If we are told that we should do what ever we are comfortable with, that our involvement matters little to the child, that visits and contact our for our benefit alone, we are more likely to silently retreat when the pain overwhelms us, when we fear the next question, to agree when our family and friends say we are only hurting ourselves.

I know you still remember

On that April Day

When you gave birth to me

and had to walk away

I know it is not because

You did not care for me

You only wanted what was best

And that is how it had to be

It takes a very strong person

To give a child away

Doing what is right for the child

No matter what others might say